Humour

If we can't laugh at ourselves, well, we may need a little attention. Laughter is the best medicine, as stated in Reader's Digest. Below is some humour collected from a wide variety of sources.

Also included are some sayings by people well known and not so well known.

Humour, Quotes, Sayings, and Words of Wisdom

My friend Henry, one of the keenest gardeners I know, once told me that his fine array of flowers
and plants has inspired him to develop his own “Garden of Daily Living”:
     First, plant three rows of peas:
          Peace of mind.
          Peace of heart.
          Peace of soul.
     Next, plant four rows of squash.
          Squash gossip.
          Squash indifference.
          Squash grumbling.
          Squash selfishness.
     Then – Plant three rows of lettuce:
          Lettuce be faithful.
          Lettuce be patient.
          Lettuce love one another.
     Complete the operation by planting
          Thyme for each other:
          Thyme for family.
          Thyme for friends.

A Little Canadian Humour

Little Canadian Humor,
Forget Rednecks, here is what Jeff Foxworthy has to say about Canuks:
If your local Dairy Queen is closed from September through May, you may live in Canada.
If someone in a Home Depot store offers you assistance and they don't work there, you may live in Canada.
If you've worn shorts and a parka at the same time, you may live in Canada.
If you've had a lengthy telephone conversation with someone who dialed a wrong number, you may live in Canada.
If 'Vacation' means going anywhere south of Detroit for the weekend, you may live in Canada.
If you measure distance in hours, you may live in Canada.
If you know several people who have hit a deer more than once, you may live in Canada
If you have switched from 'heat' to 'A/C' in the same day and back again, you may live in Canada
If you can drive 90 kms/hr through 2 feet of snow during a raging blizzard without flinching, you may live in Canada.
If you install security lights on your house and garage, but leave both unlocked, you may live in Canada.
If you carry jumpers in your car and your wife knows how to use them, you may live in Canada.
If you design your kid's Halloween costume to fit over a snowsuit, you may live in Canada.
If the speed limit on the highway is 80km -- you're going 90 and everybody is passing you, you may live in Canada.
If driving is better in the winter because the potholes are filled with snow, you may live in Canada.
If you know all 4 seasons: almost winter, winter, still winter, and road construction, you may live in Canada
If you have more miles on your snow blower than your car, you may live in Canada.
If you find 2 degrees 'a little chilly', you may live in Canada
If you actually understand these jokes, and forward them to all your Canadian friends & others, you definitely live in Canada

Anger Management

Sometimes when you are angry with someone, it helps to sit down and think about the problem.

The Power of Prayer

For what we are about to receive, let us be truly thankful.

Photo in early May 2007 in a backyard in Munster.        © Keith Lindsey 2007

A Cup of Coffee - Something to Ponder On

A group of alumni, highly established in their careers, got together to visit their old University of Notre Dame lecturer.

Conversation soon turned into complaints about stress in work and life. Offering his guests coffee, the lecturer went to the kitchen and returned with a large pot of coffee and an assortment of cups - porcelain, plastic, glass, some plain-looking and some expensive and exquisite, telling them to help themselves to hot coffee.

When all the students had a cup of coffee in hand, the lecturer said: "If you noticed, all the nice-looking, expensive cups were taken up, leaving behind the plain and cheap ones. While it is but normal for you to want only the best for yourselves, that is the source of your problems and stress. What all of you really wanted was coffee, not the cup, but you consciously went for the better cups and are eyeing each other's cups. Now, if Life is coffee, then the jobs, money and position in society are the cups. They are just tools to hold and contain Life, but the quality of Life doesn't change. Sometimes, by concentrating only on the cup, we fail to enjoy the coffee in it."

"A Baloney Sandwich"       (by Bob Benson)

Do you remember when they had old-fashioned Sunday School picnics? I do.

As I recall, it was back in the "olden days," as my kids would say, back before they had air conditioning. They said, "We’ll all meet at Sycamore Lodge in Shelby Park at 4:30 on Saturday. You bring your supper and we’ll furnish the iced tea."

But if you were like me, you came home at the last minute. When you got ready to pack your picnic, all you could find in the refrigerator was one dried up piece of baloney and just enough mustard in the bottom of the jar so that you got it all over your knuckles trying to get to it. And just two slices of stale bread to go with it. So you made your baloney sandwich and wrapped it in an old brown bag and went to the picnic.

When it came time to eat, you sat at the end of a table and spread out your sandwich. But the folks who sat next to you brought a feast. The lady was a good cook and she had worked hard all day to get ready for the picnic. And she had fried chicken, baked beans, potato salad, homemade rolls, sliced tomatoes, pickles, olives and celery. AND two big homemade chocolate pies to top it off. That’s what they spread out there next to you ... while you sat with your baloney sandwich.

But they said to you, "Why don’t we just put it all together?"

"No, I couldn’t do that. I couldn’t even think of it," you murmured in embarrassment, with one eye on the chicken.

"Oh, come on, there’s plenty of chicken and plenty of pie and plenty of everything. And we just love baloney sandwiches. Let’s just put it all together."
And so you did . . . and there you sat, eating like a king when you came like a pauper.

One day, it dawned on me that God had been saying just that sort of thing to me. "Why don’t you take what you have and what you are, and I will take what I have and what I am, and we’ll share it together." I began to see that when I put what I had and was and am and hope to be with what he is, I had stumbled upon the bargain of a lifetime.

Preacher and Song Leader Conflict         (Author Unknown)

There was a church where the preacher and song leader were not getting along. This began to spill over into the worship service.

One week the preacher preached on commitment, and how we should dedicate ourselves to service. The song leader then led the song, "I Shall Not Be Moved."

The next Sunday, the preacher preached on giving and how we should gladly give to the work of the Lord. The song leader then led the song, "Jesus Paid It All."

The next Sunday, the preacher preached on gossiping and how we should watch our tongues. The song leader then led the song, "I Love to Tell the Story."

The preacher became very disgusted over the situation, and the next Sunday he told the congregation he was considering resigning. The song leader then led the song, "Oh Why Not Tonight."

As it came to pass, the preacher did resign and the next week informed the church that it was Jesus that led him there and it was Jesus that was taking him away. The song leader then led the song, "What a Friend We Have in Jesus."

The Choirmaster      (from an old edition of The American Organist)

The Choir Master stood at the pearly gates; his face was worn and old.

He stood before the man of fate for admission to the fold.

"What have you done," St. Peter said, "to gain admission here?"

"I’ve been a Choirmaster, sir,” he said, “for many and many a year."

The Pearly Gates flew open wide! St. Peter touched the bell.

"Come in,” he said, "and choose your harp.

You’ve had your share of hell!"

The day finally arrived. Forrest Gump died and went to Heaven.

He was at the Pearly Gates, met by St. Peter himself.

However, the gates were closed and Forrest approached the Gatekeeper.

St. Peter said, "Well, Forrest, it's certainly good to see you. We have heard a lot about you. I must tell you, though, that the place is filling up fast,and we've been administering an entrance exam for everyone. The test is short, but you have to pass it before you can get into Heaven."

Forrest responded, "It shor is good to be here, St. Peter, sir. But nobody ever told me about any entrance exam. Shor hope the test ain't too hard; life was a big enough test as it was".

St. Peter went on, "Yes, I know, Forrest, but the test is only three questions.
First: What two days of the week begin with the letter T?
Second: How many seconds are there in a year?
Third: What is God's first name?"

Forrest left to think the questions over and returned the next day.

St. Peter who waved him up and said, "Now that you have had a chance to think the questions over, tell me your answers."

Forrest said, "Well, the first one - which two days in the week begin with the letter "T"? Shucks, that one's easy. That'd be Today and tomorrow.

The Saint's eyes open wide and he exclaimed, "Forrest, that's not what I was thinking, but you do have a point, and I guess I didn't specify, so I'll
give you credit for that answer.

How about the next one?" asked St. Peter ."How many seconds in a year?"

"Now that one's harder," said Forrest, "but I thunk and thunk about that and I guess the only answer can be twelve."

Astounded, St. Peter said, "Twelve? Twelve!? Forrest,how in Heaven's name could you come up with twelve seconds in a year?"

Forrest says "Shucks, there's gotta be twelve: January 2nd, February 2nd, March 2nd . . "

"Hold it, " interrupted St. Peter. "I see where you're going with this, and I see your point, though that wasn't quite what I had in mind ... but I'll have to give you credit for that one too.

Let's go on with the third and final question. "Can you tell me God's first name"?

"Sure" Forrest replied, "its Andy."

"Andy?!" exclaimed an exasperated and frustrated St. Peter. "Ok, I can understand how you came up with your answers to my first two questions, but just how in the world did you come up with the name Andy as the first name of God?"

"Shucks, that was the easiest one of all," Forrest replied. "I learnt it from the song ...
"ANDY WALKS WITH ME,
ANDY TALKS WITH ME,
ANDY TELLS ME I AM HIS OWN. "

St. Peter opened the Pearly Gates and said: "Run Forrest, run."

The Errand
McQuillan walked into a bar and ordered martini after martini, each time removing the olives and placing them in a jar. When the jar was filled with olives and all the drinks consumed, the Irishman started to leave.

"S'cuse me", said a customer, who was puzzled over what McQuillan had done, "what was that all about?"

Nothin', said the Irishman, "my wife just sent me out for a jar of olives!"

I've Lost Me Luggage
An Irishman arrived at JFK Airport and wandered around the terminal with tears streaming down his cheeks.

An airline employee asked him if he was already homesick.

"No," replied the Irishman, "I've lost all me luggage!"

"How'd that happen?"

"The cork fell out!" said the Irishman.

Water to Wine
An Irish priest was driving to New York and got stopped for speeding in Connecticut.

The state trooper smelled alcohol on the priest's breath and then saw an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car. He said, "Sir, have ya been drinkin'?"

"Just water," said the priest.

The trooper said, "Then why do I smell wine?"

The priest looked at the bottle and said, "Good Lord! He's done it again!"

Irish Cemetery
Three Irishmen, Paddy, Sean and Seamus, were stumbling home from the pub late one night and found themselves on the road which led past the old graveyard.

"Come have a look over here," said Paddy, "It's Michael O'Grady's grave, God bless his soul. He lived to the ripe old age of 87."

"That's nothing," said Sean, "Here's one named Patrick O'Toole, it says here that he was 95 when he died!"

Just then, Seamus yelled out, "Good God, here's a fella that got to be 145 !"

"What was his name?" asked Paddy.

Seamus stumbled around a bit, awkwardly lit a match to see what else is written on the stone marker, and exclaimed, "Miles, from Dublin."

Irish Predicament
Drunk Ole Mulvihill (From the Northern Irish Clan) staggered into a Catholic Church, entered a confessional box, sat down but said nothing.

The Priest coughed a few times to get his attention but Ole just sat there.

Finally, the Priest pounded three times on the wall. The drunk mumbled, "ain't no use knockin, there's no paper on this
side either."

Irish Last Request
Mary Clancy goes up to Father O'Grady's after his Sunday morning service, and she's in tears.

He says, "So what's bothering you, Mary my dear?"

She says, "Oh, Father, I've got terrible news. My husband passed away last night."

The priest says, "Oh, Mary, that's terrible. Tell me, did he have any last requests?"

She says, "That he did, Father..."

The priest says, "What did he ask, Mary?"

She says, "He said, 'Please Mary, put down that awful gun!'

Today we mourn the passing of a beloved old friend,
Mr. Common Sense.

Mr. Sense had been with us for many years.

No one knows for sure how old he was, since his birth records were long ago lost in bureaucratic red tape.

He will be remembered as having cultivated such value lessons as knowing when to come in out of the rain, why the early bird gets the worm, and that life isn't
always fair.

Common Sense lived by simple, sound financial policies (don't spend more than you earn) and reliable parenting strategies (adults, not kids, are in charge).

His health began to rapidly deteriorate when well-intentioned, but overbearing regulations were set in place.

Reports of a six-year-old boy charged with sexual harassment for kissing a classmate; teens suspended from school for using mouthwash after lunch; and a teacher
hired for reprimanding an unruly student, only worsened his condition.

Mr. Sense declined even further when schools were required to get parental consent to administer aspirin to a student, but could not inform the parents when a student became pregnant and wanted to have an abortion.

Finally, Common Sense lost the will to live as the Ten Commandments became contraband; churches became businesses; and criminals received better treatment than their victims.

Common Sense finally gave up the ghost after a woman failed to realize that a steaming cup of coffee was hot, she spilled a bit in her lap, and was awarded a huge settlement.

Common Sense was preceded in death by his parents, Truth and Trust; his wife, Discretion; his daughter, Responsibility; and his son, Reason.

He is survived by two stepbrothers, My Rights and Ima Whiner.

Not many attended his funeral because so few realized he was gone.

If you still remember him, pass this on.

If not, join the majority and do nothing.

Some words of wisdom for the golfers in the crowd...
Golf can best be defined as an endless series of tragedies obscured by an occasional miracle.

The best wood in most amateurs' bags is the pencil. (Chi Chi Rodriguez)

If you think it's hard to meet new people, try picking up the wrong golf ball. (Jack Lemmon)

To some golfers, the greatest handicap is the ability to add correctly.

Tee your ball high...air offers less resistance than dirt. (Jack Nicklaus)

The term "Mulligan" is really a contraction of the phrase "maul it again!"

A "gimme" putt can best be defined as an agreement between two golfers, neither of whom can putt very well.

An interesting thing about golf is that no matter how badly you play, it is always possible to get worse.

Golf is an awkward set of body contractions designed to produce a graceful result. (Tommy Armour)

If you find yourself pleased that you located more balls in the rough than you actually have lost, your focus is totally wrong and your personality might not be right for golf. See a counsellor.

Why is it twice as hard to hit a ball over water and sand? The trees taunt you, the sand mocks you, the water calls your name ... and they say golf is a quiet game.

The real reason your pro tells you to keep your head down is so you can't see him laughing at you. (Phyllis Diller)

Golf is a hard game to figure. One day you'll go out and slice and shank it, hit into all the traps and miss every green. The next day, you go out and for no reason at all, you really stink. (Bob Hope)

Only a stupid golfer throws his club behind him. The smart golfer throws his club ahead of him so he can pick it up on the way to the next hole.

If you have lost more than four balls on any given hole, for safety reasons, let your partner drive the cart.

Golf's three ugliest words: "still your shot".

He who has the fastest golf cart never has a bad lie. (Mickey Mantle)

Golf is like marriage: If you take yourself too seriously it won't work. And both are expensive.

Genius is 1 percent inspiration and 99 percent perspiration. As a result, genius is often a talented person who has simply done all of his homework.
--Thomas Edison

An expert is a person who has made all the mistakes that can be made in a very narrow field.
--Niels Bohr

Cats are smarter than dogs. You can't get eight cats to pull a sled through the snow. -- Jeff Valdez

Never hold a dust buster and a cat at the same time. -- Kyoya, age 9

We all have big changes in our lives that are more or less a second chance. -- Harrison Ford

"For a list of all the ways technology has failed to improve the quality of life, please press 3." -- Alice Kahn

The more sand that has escaped from the hourglass of our life, the clearer we should see through it. -- Jean Paul

Anyone acquainted with Ireland knows that the morning of St. Patrick's Day consists of the night of the 17th of March flavored strongly with the morning of the 18th. -- Author Unknown

Gravitation is not responsible for people falling in love. -- Albert Einstein

You have to walk carefully in the beginning of love; the running across fields into your lover's arms can only come later when you're sure they won't laugh if you trip. -- Jonathan Carroll, "Outside the Dog Museum"

No one can get inner peace by pouncing on it. -- Harry Emerson Fosdick

Tension is who you think you should be. Relaxation is who you are. -- Chinese Proverb

For you see, each day I love you more. Today more than yesterday and less than tomorrow.
-- Rosemonde Gerard

Forget love... I'd rather fall in chocolate! -- Author Unknown

Love is much like a wild rose, beautiful and calm, but willing to draw blood in its defense. -- Mark Overby

The factory of the future will have only two employees, a man and a dog. The man will be there to feed the dog. The dog will be there to keep the man from touching the equipment. -- Warren G. Bennis

The greatest task before civilization at present is to make machines what they ought to be, the slaves, instead of the masters of men. -- Havelock Ellis

Love is a symbol of eternity. It wipes out all sense of time, destroying all memory of a beginning and all fear of an end. -- Author Unknown

Love - a wildly misunderstood, although highly desirable malfunction of the heart which weakens the brain, causes eyes to sparkle, cheeks to glow, blood pressure to rise and the lips to pucker. -- Author Unknown

Love is an act of endless forgiveness, a tender look which becomes a habit. -- Peter Ustinov

The greatest tragedy is indifference -- Red Cross

Everyone has an invisible sign hanging from their neck saying, 'Make me feel important.' Never forget this message when working with people. -- Mary Kay

In business you get what you want by giving other people what they want. -- Alice Foote MacDougall

Hate leaves ugly scars, love leaves beautiful ones. -- Mignon McLaughlin, The Second Neurotic's Notebook, 1966

To win you have to risk loss. -- Jean-Claude Killy

The art of love... is largely the art of persistence. -- Albert Ellis

Better a witty fool than a foolish wit.-- William Shakespeare

Teamwork doesn’t tolerate the inconvenience of distance. -- Unknown

There is nothing so easy to learn as experience and nothing so hard to apply. -- Josh Billings

You can never plan the future by the past. -- Edmund Burke

Love one another and you will be happy. It's as simple and as difficult as that. -- Michael Leunig

Discipline is the bridge between goals and accomplishments -- Anonymous

Each problem that I solved became a rule which served afterwards to solve other problems -- Rene Descartes

...The best thing you can do is the right thing, the next best thing is the wrong thing, and the worst thing you can do is nothing. -- Theodore Roosevelt

The only thing necessary for the triumph [of evil] is for good men to do nothing. -- Edmund Burke

Who, being loved, is poor? -- Oscar Wilde

Without love, what are we worth?
Eighty-nine cents! Eighty-nine cents worth of chemicals walking around lonely. -- M*A*S*H , Hawkeye

A baby is born with a need to be loved - and never outgrows it. -- Frank A. Clark

The hours I spend with you I look upon as sort of a perfumed garden, a dim twilight, and a fountain singing to it. You and you alone make me feel that I am alive. Other men it is said have seen angels, but I have seen thee and thou art enough. -- George Moore

"The face of a child can say it all, especially the mouth part of the face." -- Jack Handy

"No one appreciates the very special genius of your conversation as the dog does." -- Christopher Morley

"In order to fully realize how bad a popular play can be, it is necessary to see it twice. " -- George Bernard Shaw

"Always go to other people's funerals, otherwise they won't come to yours. " -- Yogi Berra

"Middle Age is when your age starts to show around your middle." -- Bob Hope

"He had a winning smile, but everything else was a loser." -- George C. Scott

"Order you summers suit. Because is big rush we will execute customers in strict rotation." -- Sign in Tailor's shop

"It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it." -- Dan Quayle

"Women want mediocre men, and men are working hard to become as mediocre as possible." -- Margaret Mead

"Why don't you bore a hole in yourself and let the sap run out?" -- Groucho Marx

"Creative semantics is the key to contemporary government; it consists of talking in strange tongues lest the public learn the inevitable inconveniently early." -- George Will

"Doctor to elderly patient: 'Have you ever had any complementary medicine?'. Patient: 'No I have always paid for everything'."

"He's the kind of man who picks his friends - to pieces." -- Mae West

"Most turkeys taste better the day after; my mother's tasted better the day before." -- Rita Rudner

"Another tale tells of William Tell, who shot an arrow through an apple while standing on his son's head." -- from Student Bloopers

"I love Americans, but not when they try to talk French. What a blessing it is that they never try to talk English. " -- Saki (H. H. Munro)

"Abstract art? A product of the untalented, sold by the unprincipled to the utterly bewildered." -- Al Capp

"People don't go there anymore. It's too crowded." -- Yogi Berra

"He is useless on top of the ground; he ought to be under it, inspiring the cabbages." -- Mark Twain

"He is the same old sausage, fizzing and sputtering in his own grease." -- Henry James

"You can take a horse to water, but a pencil must be lead." -- Stan Laurel

"You look into his eyes, and you get the feeling someone else is driving." -- David Letterman

"He never chooses an opinion; he just wears whatever happens to be in style." -- Leo Tolstoy

"Sometimes I need what only you can provide: your absence." -- Ashleigh Brilliant

"It was pretty good. Even the music was nice. " -- Yogi Berra (First visit to the Opera)

"A child of five could understand this. Fetch me a child of five. " -- Groucho Marx

"He's a trellis for varicose veins." -- Wilson Mizner

"Being verbally attacked by him is like being mauled by a dead sheep." -- Dennis Healy

"If you don't know how to do something, you don't know how to do it with a computer." -- Anonymous

"Reader, suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of Congress. But I repeat myself. " -- Mark Twain

"We English are good at forgiving our enemies; it releases us from the obligation of liking our friends." -- P.D. James

"You had to stand in line to hate him." -- Hedda Hopper

"While he was not dumber than an ox, he was not any smarter either." -- James Thurber

"The trouble with the rat race is that even if you win you're still a rat. " -- Lilly Tomlin

"In Hollywood a marriage is a success if it outlasts milk. " -- Rita Rudner

"To be stupid, selfish, and have good health are three requirements for happiness, though if stupidity is lacking, all is lost. " -- Gustave Flaubert

"I feel so miserable without you, it's almost like having you here." -- Stephen Bishop

"I believe in equality for everyone, except reporters and photographers. " -- Gandhi

"If his father was alive today he'd be turning over in his grave." -- Leo Rosten

"If two things don't fit, but you believe both of them, thinking that somewhere, hidden, there must be a third thing that connects them, that's credulity." -- Umberto Eco (1929-), Foucalt's Pendulum

"I learned that it is the weak who are cruel, and that gentleness is to be expected only from the strong." -- Leo Rosten

The number 1 reason why God created Eve ...
1. When God finished the creation of Adam, He stepped back, scratched his head, and said, "I can do better than that."

"The weak can never forgive. Forgiveness is the attribute of the strong." -- Gandhi

"When You Go Home, Tell Them Of Us And Say,
For your Tomorrow, We Gave Our Today"
The words are attributed to John Maxwell Edmonds (1875 -1958), an English Classicist, who had put them together among a collection of 12 epitaphs for World War One, in 1916.

"I don't want to lose my arm. I'm rather attached to it; it's quite handy."
-- The Doctor, from the Doctor Who episode

"When your absence has the authority of your presence, that is power."
--a Harriet Rubin

Getting married is very much like going to a restaurant with friends. You order what you want, and then when you see what the other person has, you wish you had ordered that. -- Anonymous

"Proverbs often contradict one another, as any reader soon discovers. The sagacity that advises us to look before we leap promptly warns us that if we hesitate we are lost; that absence makes the heart grow fonder, but out of sight, out of mind." -- Leo Rosten

"The opposite of a correct statement is a false statement. But the opposite of a profound truth may well be another profound truth." -- Niels Bohr

"A recent survey stated that the average person's greatest fear is having to give a speech in public. Somehow this ranked even higher than death which was third on the list. So, you're telling me that at a funeral, most people would rather be the guy in the coffin than have to stand up and give a eulogy."
-- Jerry Seinfield

"To only a fraction of the human race does God give the privilege of earning one's bread doing what one would have gladly pursued for free, for passion." -- Fred Brooks

"Logic: The art of thinking and reasoning in strict accordance with the limitations and incapacities of the human misunderstanding." -- Ambrose Bierce

"The mind is not a container to be filled but rather a fire to be kindled." -- Plutarch

"Courage is doing what you're afraid to do. There can be no courage unless you're scared."
-- Edward Vernon Rickenbacker

"Glory is fleeting, but obscurity is forever. " -- Napoleon Bonaparte (1769-1821)

"Whenever I climb I am followed by a dog called 'Ego'." -- Friedrich Nietzsche (1844-1900)

"We have art to save ourselves from the truth." -- Friedrich Nietzsche (1844-1900)

"Never interrupt your enemy when he is making a mistake." -- Napoleon Bonaparte (1769-1821)

"Life is pleasant. Death is peaceful. It's the transition that's troublesome."
-- Isaac Asimov

"If you want to make an apple pie from scratch, you must first create the universe."
-- Carl Sagan

"It is much more comfortable to be mad and know it, than to be sane and have one's doubts."
-- G. B. Burgin

"Once is happenstance. Twice is coincidence. Three times is enemy action."
-- Auric Goldfinger, in "Goldfinger" by Ian L. Fleming (1908-1964)

"To love oneself is the beginning of a lifelong romance"
-- Oscar Wilde (1854-1900)

"The basis of our humor is Canadian. Our strength is we are Canadian. We find that the thing that unites Canadians everywhere is that they all detest Toronto!"
-- Frank Shuster (1916 - 2002)

"Knowledge speaks, but wisdom listens."
-- Jimi Hendrix

"The reward for work well done is the opportunity to do more."
-- Jonas Salk

"Everyone is a genius at least once a year; a real genius has his original ideas closer together."
-- Georg Lichtenberg (1742-1799)

"While we are postponing, life speeds by."
-- Seneca (3BC - 65AD)

"Fill what's empty, empty what's full, and scratch where it itches."
-- the Duchess of Windsor, when asked what is the secret of a long and happy life

"First they ignore you, then they laugh at you, then they fight you, then you win."
-- Mahatma Gandhi (1869-1948)

"Luck is the residue of design."
-- Branch Rickey - former owner of the Brooklyn Dodger Baseball Team

"Tragedy is when I cut my finger. Comedy is when you walk into an open sewer and die."
-- Mel Brooks

"Most people would sooner die than think; in fact, they do so. "
-- Bertrand Russell (1872-1970)

"Wit is educated insolence. "
-- Aristotle (384-322 B.C.)

"A clever man commits no minor blunders."
-- Goethe (1749-1832)

"Argue for your limitations, and sure enough they're yours."
-- Richard Bach

"A witty saying proves nothing."
-- Voltaire (1694-1778)

"Education is a progressive discovery of our own ignorance."
-- Will Durant

"Instead of thinking about where you are, think about where you want to be. It takes twenty years of hard work to become an overnight success." -- Diana Rankin

"An excuse is a lie guarded." -- Jonathan Swift

"His house was perfect, whether you liked food, or sleep, or work, or story-telling, or singing, or just sitting and thinking, best, or a pleasant mixture of them all."
-- John Ronald Reuel Tolkien, 1892 - 1973

"I think 'Hail to the Chief' has a nice ring to it."
-- John F. Kennedy (1917-1963) when asked what is his favorite song

"Human history becomes more and more a race between education and catastrophe."
-- H. G. Wells (1866-1946)

"Talent does what it can; genius does what it must." -- Edward George Bulwer-Lytton (1803-1873)

"The difference between 'involvement' and 'commitment' is like an eggs-and-ham breakfast: the chicken was 'involved' - the pig was 'committed'."
-- unknown

"If you are going through hell, keep going." -- Sir Winston Churchill (1874-1965)

"I'm all in favor of keeping dangerous weapons out of the hands of fools. Let's start with typewriters."
-- Frank Lloyd Wright (1868-1959)

"Victory goes to the player who makes the next-to-last mistake. "
-- Chessmaster Savielly Grigorievitch Tartakower (1887-1956)

"The true measure of a man is how he treats someone who can do himpe absolutely no good."
-- Samuel Johnson (1709-1784)

"A people that values its privileges above its principles soon loses both."
-- Dwight D. Eisenhower (1890-1969), Inaugural Address, January 20, 1953

"I have often regretted my speech, never my silence."
-- Xenocrates (396-314 B.C.)

"It was the experience of mystery -- even if mixed with fear -- that engendered religion."
-- Albert Einstein (1879-1955)

"If everything seems under control, you're just not going fast enough."
-- Mario Andretti

"I do not consider it an insult, but rather a compliment to be called an agnostic. I do not pretend to know where many ignorant men are sure -- that is all that agnosticism means."
-- Clarence Darrow, Scopes trial, 1925.

"Obstacles are those frightful things you see when you take your eyes off your goal."
-- Henry Ford (1863-1947)

"I'll sleep when I'm dead."
-- Warren Zevon

"There are people in the world so hungry, that God cannot appear to them
except in the form of bread."
-- Mahatma Gandhi (1869-1948)

"If you gaze long into an abyss, the abyss will gaze back into you."
-- Friedrich Nietzsche (1844-1900)

"The instinct of nearly all societies is to lock up anybody who is truly free. First, society begins by trying to beat you up. If this fails, they try to poison you. If this fails too, the finish by loading honoclo rs on your head."
-- Jean Cocteau (1889-1963)

"The significant problems we face cannot be solved at the same level of thinking we were at when we created them."
-- Albert Einstein (1879-1955)

"Basically, I no longer work for anything but the sensation I have while working."
-- Albert Giacometti (sculptor)

"All truth passes through three stages. First, it is ridiculed. Second, it is violently opposed. Third, it is accepted as being self-evident."
-- Arthur Schopenhauer (1788-1860)

"Many a man's reputation would not know his character if they met on the street."
-- Elbert Hubbard (1856-1915)

"There is more stupidity than hydrogen in the universe, and it has a longer shelf life."
-- Frank Zappa

"Perfection is achieved, not when there is nothing more to add, but when there is nothing left to take away."
-- Antoine de Saint Exupery

"Don't be so humble - you are not that great. " -- Golda Meir (1898-1978) to a visiting diplomat

"His ignorance is encyclopedic" -- Abba Eban (1915-)

"If a man does his best, what else is there?"
-- General George S. Patton (1885-1945)

"I can write better than anybody who can write faster, and I can write faster than anybody who can write better. "
-- A. J. Liebling (1904-1963)

"People demand freedom of speech to make up for the freedom of thought which they avoid. "
-- Soren Aabye Kierkegaard (1813-1855)

"Not everything that can be counted counts, and not everything that counts can be counted. "
-- Albert Einstein (1879-1955)

"Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I'm not sure about the former. "
-- Albert Einstein (1879-1955)

"I wanted you to see what real courage is, instead of getting the idea that courage is a man with a gun in his hand. It's when you know you're licked before you begin but you begin anyway and you see it through no matter what. You rarely win, but sometimes you do." -- Harper Lee, To Kill a Mockingbird

"Nobody can make you feel inferior without your permission." -- Eleanor Roosevelt

If vegetarians eat vegetables, watch out for humanitarians...

"The optimist proclaims that we live in the best of all possible worlds, and the pessimist fears this is true."
-- James Branch Cabell

"A friendship founded on business is better than a business founded on friendship."
-- John D. Rockefeller (1874-1960)

"All are lunatics, but he who can analyze his delusion is called a philosopher."
-- Ambrose Bierce (1842-1914)

"You can only find truth with logic if you have already found truth without it."
-- Gilbert Keith Chesterton (1874-1936)

"A society grows great when old men plant trees whose shade they know they shall never sit in."
-- Greek proverb

"My advice to you is get married: if you find a good wife you'll be happy; if not, you'll become a philosopher. "
-- Socrates (470-399 B.C.)

"Egotist: a person more interested in himself than in me. "
-- Ambrose Bierce (1842-1914)

"An inconvenience is only an adventure wrongly considered; an adventure is an inconvenience rightly considered."
-- Gilbert Keith Chesterton (1874-1936)

"I have come to believe that the whole world is an enigma, a harmless enigma that is made terrible by our own mad attempt to interpret it as though it had an underlying truth."
-- Umberto Eco

"Be nice to people on your way up because you meet them on your way down."
-- Jimmy Durante

Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day; teach that person to use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks.

"I sometimes think we expect too much of Christmas Day. We try to crowd into it the long arrears of kindliness and humanity of the whole year. As for me, I like to take my Christmas a little at a time, all through the year." -- David Grayson

"Television is for appearing on, not looking at." -- Noel Coward

"Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go."
-- Oscar Wilde (1854-1900)

"God is a comedian playing to an audience too afraid to laugh."
-- Voltaire (1694-1778)

"He is one of those people who would be enormously improved by death."
-- H. H. Munro (Saki) (1870-1916)

"I am ready to meet my Maker. Whether my Maker is prepared for the great ordeal of meeting me is another matter."
-- Sir Winston Churchill (1874-1965)

"I shall not waste my days in trying to prolong them."
-- Ian L. Fleming (1908-1964)

"If you can count your money, you don't have a billion dollars."
-- J. Paul Getty (1892-1976)

"Facts are the enemy of truth." -- Don Quixote - "Man of La Mancha"

"When you do the common things in life in an uncommon way, you will command the attention of the world."
-- George Washington Carver (1864-1943)

"How wrong it is for a woman to expect the man to build the world she wants, rather than to create it herself."
-- Anais Nin (1903-1977)

The thrill of victory.
  The agony of defeat.
    The excitement of airborne whiteboard markers.
      The solitude of non-airborne whiteboard erasers.
It's all that we live for!

Freedom is not worth having if it does not include the freedom to make mistakes. -- Mahatma Gandhi

"Never discourage anyone...who continually makes progress, no matter how slow."
-- Plato

"The things that come to those who wait are usually the things left by those who got there first."
-- Anonymous

"It's better to be prepared for an opportunity and not have one than to have
an opportunity and not be prepared." -- Whitney Young

"Even if you're on the right track, you'll get run over if you just sit there" - Will Rogers

"The most powerful ties are the ones to the people who gave us birth ... it hardly seems to matter how many years have passed, how many betrayals there may have been, how much misery in the family: We remain connected, even against our wills." -- Anthony Brandt

"I believe in getting into hot water; it keeps you clean." -- Gilbert Keith Chesterton, 1874 - 1936

"Ideas are very dangerous things" -- 'Hopper', A Bug's Life

"The great composer does not set to work because he is inspired, but becomes inspired because he is working." -- Ernest Newman

"The Internet is so big, so powerful and pointless that for some people it is a complete substitute for life." -- Andrew Brown

"A journey of a thousand miles must begin with a single step" - Lao-Tsu

"The ultimate leader is one who is willing to develop people to the point that they eventually surpass him or her in knowledge and ability." -- Fred A. Manske, Jr.

"Freedom is not an unlimited license, an unlimited choice, or an unlimited opportunity. Freedom is first of all a responsibility..." -- Alan Keyes

"Any man who afflicts the human race with ideas must be prepared to see them misunderstood" -- H. L. Mencken

"The face of a child can say it all, especially the mouth part of the face." -- Jack Handy

"In my youth, I stressed freedom, and in my old age I stress order. I have made the great discovery that liberty is a product of order." -- Will Durant

"Happiness is an attitude. We either make ourselves miserable, or happy and strong. The amount of work is the same." -- Francesca Reigler

"Imagination is more important than knowledge. Knowledge is limited. Imagination encircles the world." --
Albert Einstein

If you want world peace, fight for justice.    -- Bumper Sticker

"I don't have all the answers. In life, to be honest, I've failed as much as I've succeeded. But I love my wife, I love my life, and I wish you *my* kind of success." -- Dicky Fox

If you have built castles in the air, your work need not be lost; that is where they should be. Now put the foundations under them. -- Henry David

"Success usually comes to those who are too busy to be looking for it." -- Henry David Thoreau

Permanent good can never be the outcome of untruth and violence -- Mahatma Gandhi

Why do men think they don't need directions when they can't even find their clean socks?

Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow. Combustion may occur if you aren't careful.

"It is wonderful to be despised, if, deep down, we know we are right."
- Pierre Elliott Trudeau (1919-2000)

You read about all these terrorists - most of them came here legally, but they hung around on these expired visas, some for as long as 10-15 years. Now, compare that to Blockbuster: you're two days late with a video and those people are all over you. Let's put Blockbuster in charge of immigration.

Women are born with something men will never possess ... a clue!

How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?

Some day your ship will come in, but you will be at the airport.

"Opportunities are usually disguised as hard work, so most people don't recognize them." -- Ann Landers

There is a theory which states that if ever anybody discovers exactly what the Universe is for and why it is here, it will instantly disappear and be replaced by something even more bizarre and inexplicable. There is another theory which states that this has already happened.

People who love sausage and respect the law should never watch either one being made.

"Take life by the hand and dance!"

"To live a creative life, we must lose our fear of being wrong." -- Joseph Chilton Pearce

In the 60's people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.

"Hard work spotlights the character of people: some turn up their sleeves, some turn up their noses, and some don't turn up at all." -- Sam Ewig

The trouble with women is they all want men to be responsible.

Have you noticed that a slight tax increase costs you two hundred dollars and a substantial tax cut saves you thirty cents?

Today is the last day of your life - so far.

"Work is love made visible. And if you cannot work with love but only with distaste, it is better that you should leave your work and sit at the gate of the temple and take alms of those who work with joy." -- Kahlil Gibran

All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.

"If we had no winter, the spring would not be so pleasant: if we did not sometimes taste of adversity, prosperity would not be so welcome." -- Anne Bradstreet

"Try not to become a man of success, but rather try to become a man of value." -- Albert Einstein

Luck is a lazy person's estimate of a worker's success.

The ultimate measure of a man is not where he stands in moments of comfort and convenience, but where he stands at times of challenge and controversy. -- Dr. Martin Luther King Jr.

Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again.

"If you can't measure it, you can't manage it." -- Jack Welch, former CEO of GE

"If you think education is expensive, try Ignorance." -- Andy McIntyre

"Education is a progressive discovery of our own ignorance." -- Will Durant

"I told him, 'Son, what is it with you? Is it ignorance or apathy?' He said, 'Coach, I don't know and I don't care."
-- Frank Layden, Utah Jazz president, on a former player

"Extremism in the defense of liberty is no vice. Moderation in the pursuit of justice is no virtue" -- Senator Barry Goldwater (1909-1998)

"Ancient Egyptians slept on pillows made of stone. That's actually what caused many of their deaths... pillow fights." -- Unknown

Love is oceans of emotions surrounded by expanses of expenses.

"Why is it that we rejoice at a birth and grieve at a funeral? It is because we are not the person involved."
-- Mark Twain (1835-1910)

"Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me, either. In fact, why don't you just leave me alone." -- Unknown

"Nostalgia isn't what it used to be."-- Peter De Vries

"I was going to buy a copy of The Power of Positive Thinking, and then I thought, what good would that do?" -- Ronnie Shakes

"Wisdom comes by disillusionment." -- George Santayana

"I have not failed. I've just found 10,000 ways that won't work."
-- Thomas Alva Edison (1847-1931)

"I begin by taking. I shall find scholars later to demonstrate my perfect right."
-- Frederick (II) the Great

"Maybe this world is another planet's Hell."
-- Aldous Huxley (1894-1963)

"Blessed is the man, who having nothing to say, abstains from giving wordy evidence of the fact."
-- George Eliot (1819-1880)

"Once you eliminate the impossible, whatever remains, no matter how improbable, must be the truth."
-- Sherlock Holmes (by Sir Arthur Conan Doyle, 1859-1930)

"Black holes are where God divided by zero."
-- Steven Wright

"I've had a wonderful time, but this wasn't it."
-- Groucho Marx (1895-1977)

"It's kind of fun to do the impossible."
- Walt Disney (1901-1966)

"We didn't lose the game; we just ran out of time."
- Vince Lombardi

If we knew what it was we were doing, it would not be called research, would it? -- Albert Einstein

Good judgment comes from experience, and often experience comes from bad judgment. -- Rita Mae Brown

"There is no cure for birth and death save to enjoy the interval." -- George Santayana

"Most lives are spent putting on and taking off masks." -- Gore Vidal

"I'd love to go out with you but I've got a Friends of the Lowly Rutabaga meeting ..." -- Fortune

"Ask a question and you're a fool for three minutes; do not ask a question and you're a fool for the rest of your life." -- Chinese Proverb

"Relationships are hard. It's like a full time job, and we should treat it like one. If your boyfriend or girlfriend wants to leave you, they should give you two weeks' notice. There should be severance pay, and before they leave you, they should have to find you a temp." -- Bob Ettinger

"A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing." -- Emo Philips

"When down in the mouth, remember Jonah. He came out all right." -- Found in Thomas A. Edison's desk when opened years after his death

"History is a pack of lies about events that never happened told by people who weren't there." -- George Santayana

"I don't know why we are here, but I'm pretty sure that it is not in order to enjoy ourselves."
-- Ludwig Wittgenstein (1889-1951)

"The use of COBOL cripples the mind; its teaching should, therefore, be regarded as a criminal offense."
-- Edsgar Dijkstra

"C makes it easy to shoot yourself in the foot; C++ makes it harder, but when you do, it blows away your whole leg."
-- Bjarne Stroustrup

"A mathematician is a device for turning coffee into theorems."
-- Paul Erdos

"The only difference between me and a madman is that I'm not mad."
-- Salvador Dali (1904-1989)

"If you can't get rid of the skeleton in your closet, you'd best teach it to dance."
-- George Bernard Shaw (1856-1950)

"But at my back I always hear Time's winged chariot hurrying near."
-- Andrew Marvell (1621-1678)

"Good people do not need laws to tell them to act responsibly, while bad people will find a way around the laws."
-- Plato (427-347 B.C.)

"So much of what we call management consists in making it difficult for people to work." -- Peter Drucker

"There is no pleasure in having nothing to do; the fun is in having lots to do and not doing it." -- Mary Wilson Little

"A lie gets halfway around the world before the truth has a chance to get its pants on. "
-- Sir Winston Churchill (1874-1965)

"I do not feel obliged to believe that the same God who has endowed us with sense, reason, and intellect has intended us to forgo their use. " -- Galileo Galilei

"The artist is nothing without the gift, but the gift is nothing without work. "
-- Emile Zola (1840-1902)

"This book fills a much-needed gap. " -- Moses Hadas (1900-1966) in a review

"The full use of your powers along lines of excellence. " -- definition of "happiness" by John F. Kennedy (1917-1963)

"I'm living so far beyond my income that we may almost be said to be living apart. "
-- E E Cummings (1894-1962)

"Give me a museum and I'll fill it. " -- Pablo Picasso (1881-1973)

"Assassins!" -- Arturo Toscanini (1867-1957) to his orchestra

"Great things are not done by impulse, but by a series of small things brought together." -- Vincent Van Gogh

Teamwork is a lot of people doing what I say.

According to a recent survey, men say the first thing they notice about a woman is their eyes, and women say the first thing they notice about men is they're a bunch of liars.

Have you noticed since everyone has a camcorder these days no one talks about seeing UFOs like they use to.

Reality is the only obstacle to your happiness.

"It's like driving a car at night. You never see further than your headlights, but you can make the whole trip that way."
- E. L. Doctorow

The path to enlightenment requires open eyes and willing feet.

Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.

Isn't it strange that we talk least about the things we think about most?"
-- Charles A. Lindbergh

"You can't build a reputation on what you are going to do." -- Henry Ford

"Sometimes you gotta create what you want to be a part of." -- Geri Weitzman

"We have heads to get money, and hearts to spend it." -- George Farquhar

The other night I ate at a real family restaurant. Every table had an argument going.

Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.

Every teenager should get a high school education. Even if they already know everything.

Marriage is like taking a hot bath. After you've been in it for a while... it isn't so hot.

I read recipes the same way I read science fiction. I get to the end and I think, "Well, that's not going to happen."

A successful diet is the triumph of mind over platter.

To err is human - and to blame it on a computer is even more so. -- Robert Orben

"In theory, there is no difference between theory and practice. But, in practice, there is. "
-- Jan L.A. van de Snepscheut

"I find that the harder I work, the more luck I seem to have. " -- Thomas Jefferson (1743-1826)

"Each problem that I solved became a rule which served afterwards to solve other problems. "
-- Rene Descartes (1596-1650), "Discours de la Methode"

"In the End, we will remember not the words of our enemies, but the silence of our friends. "
-- Martin Luther King Jr. (1929-1968)

"Whether you think that you can, or that you can't, you are usually right. "
-- Henry Ford (1863-1947)

"Do, or do not. There is no 'try'. " -- Yoda ('The Empire Strikes Back')

"The only way to get rid of a temptation is to yield to it. " -- Oscar Wilde (1854-1900)

"Moral indignation is jealousy with a halo." -- H. G. Wells (1866-1946)

"Don't stay in bed, unless you can make money in bed." -- George Burns (1896-1996)

If electricity comes from electrons, does that mean that morality comes from morons?

It's true that we don't know what we've got until we lose it, but it's also true
that we don't know what we've been missing until it arrives.

Some people are like Slinkies . . . not really good for anything, but you still can't help but smile when you see one tumble down the stairs.

Book of Mark
A minister told his congregation, "Next week I plan to preach about the sin of lying. To help you understand my sermon, I want you all to read Mark 17." The following Sunday, as he prepared to deliver his sermon, the minister asked for a show of hands. He wanted to know how many had read Mark 17. Every hand went up. The minister smiled and said, "Mark has only 16 chapters. I will now proceed with my sermon on the sin of lying."


Theology 101
When you are in your casket, and friends, family and are mourning over you, what would you like to hear them say?
Three clerics were asked what words they would choose:
Protestant Minister: "I would like to hear them say that I was a wonderful husband, a fine spiritual leader, and a great family man."
Catholic Priest: "I would like to hear them say that I was an excellent teacher and a servant of God who made a huge difference in peoples' lives."
Rabbi: "I would like to hear them say, 'Look, he's moving.'

The female skier Picaboo Street (pronounced Peek-A-Boo)
The famous Olympic skier Picaboo Street is not just an athlete, she is a nurse. She currently works at the Intensive Care Unit of a large metropolitan hospital. She is not permitted to answer the telephone, however, as it causes simply too much confusion when she answers the phone and says, "Picaboo, ICU".

A Fair Warning
A burglar broke into the house of a Quaker in the middle of the night and
started to rob it.  The Quaker heard the noise and went downstairs with his shotgun.

When he found the burglar he pointed his gun at him and said most gently,
"Friend, I mean thee no harm, but thou standest where I am about to shoot!"

Slow Worker Ahead
A young man was a slow worker and found it difficult to hold down a job.
After a visit to the employment office, he was offered work at the local zoo.

When he arrived for his first day, the keeper, aware of his reputation,
told him to take care of the tortoise section. Later, the keeper dropped
by to see how the young man was doing and found him standing by
an empty enclosure with the gate open.

"Where are the tortoises?" he asked. "I can't believe it," said the new
employee, "I just opened the door and whooooosh, they were gone!"

It's In The Pronunciation
A little boy walked up to the librarian to check out a book entitled,
"COMPREHENSIVE GUIDE FOR MOTHERS."

When the librarian asked him if it was for his mother, he answered no.

"Then why are you checking it out?" "Because," said the boy, beaming
from ear to ear, "I just started collecting moths last month!"

A Dose of HMO's Own Medicine
A doctor, a nurse, and the top executive of an HMO have all died and were in line together at the Pearly Gates.
St. Peter spoke with them and asked what good each had done in their life.

Doctor: ''I have devoted my life to the sick and needy and had a part in caring for, and healing thousands of poor people.''
St. Peter: ''That's great. Go ahead in to heaven.

And what about you, dear?'' Nurse: ''I supported the good doctor and his patients my entire life as an adult.''
St. Peter: ''Wonderful. Please proceed in with the doctor.

And what about you?'' Health Maintenance Organizaton Director: ''I was the president of a very large HMO and was responsible for the healthcare of millions of people all over the country.''
St. Peter: ''Oh, I see. Please go in...but you can only stay two nights!''

Blonde Soccer Joke
A blonde began a job as an elementary school counsellor, and she was eager to help.

One day during recess she noticed a boy standing by himself on the side of a playing field while the
rest of the kids enjoyed a game of soccer at the other.

Sandy approached and asked if he was all right. The boy said he was.

A little while later, however, Sandy noticed the boy was in the same spot, still by
himself.

Approaching again, Sandy said, "Would you like me to be your friend?"

The boy hesitated, then said, "Okay", looking at the woman suspiciously.

Feeling she was making progress, Sandy then asked, "Why are you standing here alone?"

"Because,! " the little boy said with great exasperation, "I'm the goalie."

Renounce Satan
Father Sullivan was ministering to a man on his deathbed.
"Renounce Satan!" yelled Father Sullivan.
"No," said the dying man.
"I say, renounce the devil and his works!"
"No," the man repeats.
"And why, in the name of all that is holy, not?" asks Father Sullivan.
"Because," said the dying man, "I want to wait until I see where I'm heading before I start making enemies!"

Good News - Bad News
An avid golfer went to see a fortune teller to enquire if there are any golf courses in heaven.

"I have good news and bad news" she told the golfer.

"What's the good news?" asked the golfer.

"The good news sir is that the courses in heaven are spectacular, without doubt better than anything you have ever seen on earth."

"What's the bad news then?" he asked.

"You have a tee time at 8:30 tomorrow morning."

I Can't Hear You
A young man was having some money problems, and needed $200 to get his car fixed and road-worthy again. But he had run out of people to borrow from.

So, he called his parents via the operator, and reversed the charge and said to his father.

"I need to borrow two hundred dollars," he said.

At the other end, his father said, "Sorry, I can't hear you, son, I think there may be a bad line."

The boy shouted, "Two hundred. I need two hundred dollars!"

"Sorry, I still can't hear you clearly," said his father.

The operator cut in, "Sorry to butt in, But I can hear him perfectly clearly."

The father said, "Good. YOU send him the money!"

Following Doctor's Orders
The doctor said to his patient, "I see you're over a month late for your appointment. Don't you know that nervous disorders require prompt and regular attention? What's your excuse?"

The patient answered him, "I was just following your orders, Doc."

"Following my orders?" said the doctor, "What are you talking about? I gave you no such order."

"Sure you did," replied the patient, "You told me to avoid people who irritate me."

Top 10 Signs You Were Ripped Off Buying That New Computer

10. You have to pedal it.

9. When you insert a disk, it disappears and a loud "burp" follows.

8. Lower corner of the screen has the words "Etch a Sketch" on it.

7. The manual contains one sentence: "Good Luck!"

6. The only chip inside is a Dorrito.

5. Whenever you turn it on, all the neighborhood dogs begin howling.

4. The monitor is made up of a blackboard and chalk.

3. Instead of a keyboard, it came with a Ouija board.

2. There's a "AA Batteries Not Included" sticker on the front.

And the #1 sign that you were ripped off buying that new computer...

1. The computer mouse came in a cage and has fur.

All Sports ... All The Time
The fellow had recently succumbed to promotions for satellite TV, which advertised non-stop sports day and night. As to be expected, however, his wife did not share his enthusiasm.

One evening she could take it no longer and confronted her husband. "It's like this every day," said she. "It's true -- you love football more than you love me!"

Such a cosmic question was new to the man, and several moments' reflection was in order.

"Why, yes, I do," said he. "But I can sincerely say," he continued thoughtfully, "that I love you more than baseball."

Back When I Was A Kid
A mother was annoyed with her daughter for watching too much television.

She began telling her little girl what her own childhood was like: "We used to skate outside on a pond. I had a swing made from a tire; it hung from a tree in our front yard. We rode our pony. We picked wild raspberries in the woods."

The little girl was wide-eyed as she took this all in.

At last she said, "I sure wish I'd gotten to know you sooner!"

Roster Of Failed Enterprises

Did you hear about the....

Adhesive tape company that got into a sticky situation?

Apple pie company that did not achieve enough turnover?

Army caterers that were in a mess?

Baker who was short of dough?

Balloon company -- a victim of inflation?

Billiard ball manufacturer that was snookered? (Its creditors had to form a cue)

Boat manufacturer that sunk?

Bowling pin manufacturer hit by strikes?

Bra manufacturers that went bust?

Brake company on the skids?

Brewery that was ailing?

Brick company that went to the wall?

Carpet fitters hit by tax?

Chalk supplier that was blacklisted?

Cigarette company that went up in smoke?

Clock manufacturers that were wound up?

Compass manufacturers that lost their way?

Consultative sewer design consortium -- fell foul of the Brain Drain?

Contractor for Bridges which collapsed?

Cooking oil formula that was a flash in the pan?

Corset firm that felt the squeeze?

Dairy owners whose company had to buy the farm?

Disposable diaper manufacturer that ended up in the toilet?

Downfall of the bungee suppliers?

Electronic component manufacturer that was downsized?

Food preservation company that got out of a jam, but found itself in a pickle?

Funeral directors who got boxed in?

Gliding club that couldn't get off the ground?

Glue company that came unstuck?

Hard disk manufacturer that crashed?

Ice-cream makers who went into liquidation?

Immersion heater company that got into hot water?

Industrial cleaners that are washed out?

Invisible menders who hit a bad patch?

Kennels that went to the dogs?

Loudspeaker manufacturer told to shut up shop?

Manufacturer of army surplus equipment?

Manufacturer of paint thinners that went insolvent?

Moped manufacturer that went kaput?

Motor racing team that was taken over?

Paint manufacturer that went into the red?

Paper company that folded?

Pool equipment suppliers that took a dive?

Post Office equipment supplier employee that was sacked?

Racing stables that lacked backers?

Radio manufacturers that had to appoint a Receiver?

Refrigerator manufacturer that had it's assets frozen?

Religious group that had to have a rites issue?

Shoe-makers who felt the pinch? Steam Haulage concern that went off the rails?

Sugar company that became insolvent?

Surgeon who was forced to take a cut in his salary?

Tennis ball manufacturer that ended up in court?

Tent suppliers that pegged out?

Theme Park that lacked funding?

Transporter company that failed to materialize?

Upholsterers that couldn't cover their costs?

This is Heaven!
An 85-year-old couple, after being married for almost 60 years, died in a car crash. They had been in good health the last ten years, mainly due to the wife's interest in health food and exercising.

When they reached the Pearly Gates, St. Peter took them to their mansion, which was decked out with a beautiful kitchen, master bath suite and a Jacuzzi. As they looked around, the old man asked St. Peter how much all this was going to cost.

"It's free," St. Peter replied. "This is Heaven."

Next, they went out in the back yard to survey the championship-style golf course that the home bordered. They would have golfing privileges every day and each week, the course changed to a new one representing the great golf courses on earth.

The old man asked, "What are the greens fees?"

St. Peter replied, "This is heaven, you play free."

Next, they went to the club house and saw the lavish buffet lunch with the cuisines of the world laid out. "How much to eat?" asked the old man.

"Don't you understand yet? This is Heaven, it is free!" St. Peter replied, with some exasperation.

"Well, where are the low fat and low cholesterol tables?" the old man asked timidly.

St. Peter lectured, "That's the best part, you can eat as much as you like of whatever you like and you never get fat and you never get sick either. This is, after all, Heaven."

With that, the old man went into a fit of anger, throwing down his hat and stomping on it, and screaming wildly. St. Peter and his wife both tried to calm him down, asking him what was wrong.

The old man looked at his wife and said, "This is all your fault! If it weren't for your blasted bran muffins, I could have been here ten years ago!"

Performance
These quotes were taken from actual Federal employee performance evaluations:

"Since my last report, this employee has reached rock bottom and has started to dig."

"His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of morbid curiosity"

"I would not allow this employee to breed"

"This employee is really not so much of a has-been, but more of a definite won't be"

"Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap"

"When she opens her mouth, it seems that it is only to change feet"

"He would be out of his depth in a parking lot puddle"

"This young lady has delusions of adequacy"

"He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them"

"This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot"

"This employee should go far, and the sooner the better"

"Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thing to hold it all together"

"A gross ignoramus - 144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus"

"He certainly takes a long time to make his pointless"

"He doesn't have ulcers, but he's a carrier"

"I would like to go hunting with him sometime"

"He's been working with glue too much"

"He would argue with a signpost"

"He has knack for making strangers immediately"

"He brings a lot of joy whenever he leaves the room"

"When his IQ reaches 50, he should sell"

"If you see two people talking and one looks bored, he's the other one"

"A photographic memory but with the cap over the lens"

"A prime candidate for natural deselection"

"Donated his brain to science before he was done using it"

"Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming"

"Has two brains, one is lost, the other is out looking for it"

"If he were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week"

"If you give him a penny for his thoughts, you'd get change"

"If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean"

"It's hard to believe that he beat out 1,000 other sperm"

"One neuron short of a synapse"

"Some drink from the fountain of knowledge, he only gargled"

"Takes him 10 hours to watch 60 Minutes"

"The wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead"

The Wisdom Of Years
On television my 88-year-old stepfather and I saw an attractive woman wearing an evening gown with leg openings going all the way up to her waist.

"Why do they wear gowns like that?" he asked.

"Maybe that style makes their legs look longer?" I speculated.

"No," he said, "I think it makes the men look longer."

Good Old Irish Milk
The wise old Mother Superior from County Tipperary was dying. The nuns
gathered around her bed trying to make her comfortable.

They gave her some warm milk to drink, but she refused it.

Then one nun took the glass back to the kitchen. Remembering a bottle of
Irish whiskey received as a gift the previous Christmas, she opened it and poured
a generous amount into the warm milk.

Back at Mother Superior's bed, she held the glass to her lips. Mother drank a little, then a little more. Before they knew it, she had drunk the whole glass down to the last drop.

"Mother," the nuns asked with earnest, please give us some wisdom before you die."

She raised herself up in bed with a pious look on her face and said, "Don't sell that cow."

Tired Out

Tired Out One Sunday afternoon, the Pastor's wife dropped into an easy chair saying, "Boy! Am I ever tried."

Her husband looked over at her and said, "I had to conduct two special services last night, three today, and give a total of five sermons. Why are you so tired?"

"Dearest," she replied, "I had to listen to all of them."

Circling Personals
After four years of separation, my wife and I finally divorced amicably.

I wanted to date again, but I had no idea of how to start, so I decided to look in the personals column of the local newspaper. After reading through all the listings, I circled three that seemed possible in terms of age and interest, but I put off calling them.

Two days later, there was a message on my answering machine from my ex-wife: "I came over to your house to borrow some tools today and saw the ads you circled in the paper. Don't call the one in the second column. It's me."

Stares From A Stranger
I love to spend my weekends fishing. Last weekend I trekked up to one of my favorite fishing holes in the Adirondacks. After getting my small row boat into the lake, I set out to catch some fish.

A short while later I noticed a local sitting on a rocking chair behind his cabin. The guy was clearly staring at me as I proceeded to fish from my little row boat. Anyhow, the hours slowly passed and the guy kept staring at me.

Finally I yelled out, "Hey, pal! You've been sitting there watching me fish for three hours! Why don't you get a rod and reel and do some fishing yourself?"

"No, thanks." replied the man, "I don't have the patience for it."

One Liners
Two hydrogen atoms walked into a bar. One said, "I've lost my electron." The other said, "Are you sure?" The first replied, "Yes, I'm positive..."

A jumper cable walked into a bar. The barman said "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."

A sandwich walked into a bar. The barman said, "Sorry we don't serve food in here."

A dyslexic man walked into a bra.

A man walked into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and said: "A beer please, and one for the road."

Two aerials met on a roof, fell in love got married. The ceremony wasn't much but the reception was brilliant.

Two cannibals were eating a clown. One said to the other: "Does this taste funny to you?"

I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.

I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him $50 that he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. He said, 'no, the steaks are too high.'

I went to a seafood disco rave last week.... and pulled a mussel.

Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly; but when they lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.

What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.

Two fish swam into a concrete wall. One turned to the other and said "dam"

Two fish were in a tank. One said to the other "I'll man the guns, you drive"

Dog and the Vet
A man took his Rottweiler to the vet and said, "My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him? " "Well," said the vet, "let's have a look at him" So he picked the dog up and examined his eyes, then checked his teeth. Finally, he said "I'm going to have to put him down." "What?, Because he's cross-eyed?"
"No, because he's really heavy"

Qualities Learned
During the banquet celebrating his 50th wedding anniversary, Tom was asked to give his friends a brief account of the benefits of a marriage of such long duration.

"Tell us Tom," asked his closest buddy, "just what is it you have learned from all those wonderful years with your wife?"

Tom thought for a moment and then responded, "Well, I've learned that marriage is the best teacher of all. It teaches you loyalty, meekness, forbearance, self-restraint, forgiveness -- and a great many other qualities you wouldn't have needed if you'd stayed single."

Its always difficult to bring sad news, but we thought you should know: Today, there was a great loss in the entertainment world. The man who wrote the song "Hokey Pokey" died.

What was really horrible was that they had trouble keeping his body in the casket. They'd put his left leg in and... well, you know the rest.

Golfer
A young man who was also an avid golfer found himself with a few hours to spare one afternoon. He figured if he hurried and played very fast, he could get in nine holes before he had to head home. Just as he was about to tee off an old gentleman shuffled onto the tee and asked if he could accompany the young man as he was golfing alone.

Not being able to say no, he allowed the old gent to join him.

To his surprise the old man played fairly quickly. He didn't hit the ball far, but plodded along consistently and didn't waste much time. Finally, they reached the ninth fairway and the young man found himself with a tough shot. There was a large pine tree right in front of his ball - and directly between his ball and the green.

After several minutes of debating how to hit the shot the old man finally said, "You know, when I was your age I'd hit the ball right over that tree."

With that challenge placed before him, the youngster swung hard, hit the ball up, right smack into the top of the tree trunk and it thudded back on the ground not a foot from where it had originally lay.

The old man offered one more comment, "Of course, when I was your age that pine tree was only three feet tall."

Cough Remedy
The cold season is upon us, so be careful what you take!!!! Read and heed:

The owner of this drug store walked in to find a guy leaning heavily against the wall. The owner asked the clerk "What's with that guy over there by the wall?"

The clerk said "Well, he came in here this morning to get something for his cough. I couldn't find the cough syrup, so I gave him an entire bottle of laxative."

The owner burst out, "You idiot! You can't treat a cough with a bottle of laxatives!"

And the clerk replied "Of course you can! Look at him; he's afraid to cough!"

1. If you're too open minded, your brains will fall out.

2. Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.

3. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.

4. Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.

5. If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before.

6. My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance.

7. Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious.

8. It is easier to get forgiveness than permission.

9. For every action, there is an equal and opposite government program.

10. If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.

11. Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.

12. A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.

13. Eat well, stay fit, die anyway.

14. Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.

15. No husband has ever been shot while doing the dishes.

16. A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.

17. Middle age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the waist change places.

18. Opportunities always look bigger going than coming.

19. Junk is something you've kept for years and throw away three weeks before you need it.

20. There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.

21. Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again.

22. By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends.

23. Thou shalt not weigh more than thy refrigerator.

24. Someone who thinks logically provides a nice contrast to the real world.

25. Learn from the mistakes of others. You can't live long enough to make them all yourself.

Fighting Evil
It was testimonial night at the local church. A lady got up and said, "We are living in a wicked land where sin is on every hand. I have had a terrible fight with the old devil all week."

Whereupon her husband, who was sitting glumly by her side said, "It's not all my fault either; she's tough to get along with."

Help for a Poor Family

A big, burly man visited the pastor's home and asked to see the minister's wife, a woman well known for her charitable impulses.
"Madam," he said in a broken voice, "I wish to draw your attention to the terrible plight of a poor family in this district.
The father is dead, the mother is too ill to work, and the nine children are starving.
They are about to be turned into the cold, empty streets unless someone pays their rent, which amounts to $400."
"How terrible!" exclaimed the preacher's wife. "May I ask who you are?"
The sympathetic visitor applied his handkerchief to his eyes. "I'm the landlord," he sobbed.

Business and Religion

The Priest had just finished hearing the man's confession and was considering the man's penitence.
Are you sure you're going to try to set aside all sin?"
"Yes Father, I certainly am going to try." replied the man. "I hereby resolve to double my efforts."
"And you're going to attend Mass regularly my son?" the Priest went on.
"Yes Father, I realize I have strayed." said the man. "I shall both worship and confess every week."
"And how about your debts and those you have cheated?" inquired the Priest.
"Now just a minute, Father," said the man. "Now you're talking business and not religion."

The Value of Sermons

The Pastor said, "Today I've prepared a $10 sermon on fire and brimstone that will take me about an hour and half to deliver, and I've prepared a $50 sermon on the evils of sin that will take about 45 minutes to give, and I've got a 10 minute $100 sermon on love and generosity. We'll receive the offering at this time to see which one you vote for."

Sweet Music

The local church had hired a new choir director for the church choir.

The church was undergoing some roof repairs, and as a result of the incomplete roofing, the church roof was uncovered with just the tin foundation. Meanwhile, the poor choir director was struggling with the worse choral voices this side of the Mississippi.

On Sunday morning, during the choir director's debut, the choir was sounding like sour grapes. All of a sudden, a fierce hail storm broke out, just as the choir was singing its last "amen".

With that, the minister stood up and look toward the roof top and said "It sounds like hail!"

The indignant Choir Director got up and cried out, "Won't you give me a break?! I'm doing the best that I can with these terrible voices!"

Did you hear about the dyslexic Rabbi?
He walks around saying, "Yo".

Remember the Punch Line

Among the speakers at a large seminar for ministers-in-training were many well known motivational speakers.

One of them boldly approached the pulpit and, gathering the entire crowd's attention, said, "The best years of my life were spent in the arms of a woman that wasn't my wife!" The crowd was shocked! He followed up by saying, "And that woman was my mother!" The crowd burst into laughter and he gave his speech which, went over well.

About a week later one of the ministers who had attended the seminar decided to use that joke in his sermon. As he shyly approached the pulpit one Sunday, he tried to rehearse the joke in his head. It seemed a bit foggy to him this morning.

Getting to the microphone he said loudly, "The greatest years of my life were spent in the arms of another woman that was not my wife!" His congregation sat shocked. After standing there for almost 10 seconds trying to recall the second half of the joke, the pastor finally blurted out "...and I can't remember who she was!"

Credentials

A farmer named Muldoon lived alone in the countryside with a pet dog which he loved and doted on. After many long years of companionship, the dog finally died so Muldoon went to the parish priest and asked, "Father, my dear old dog is dead. Could you be saying a mass for the creature?"

Father Patrick replied, "I am so very sorry to hear about your dog's death. But, unfortunately we cannot have services for an animal in the church. However, there's a new denomination down the road, no telling what they believe, but maybe they'll do something for the animal."

Muldoon said, "I'll go right now. Do you think $1000 is enough to donate for the service?"

Father Patrick immediately replied, "Why didn't you tell me the dog was Catholic!"

Autumn

"For man, autumn is a time of harvest, of gathering together. For nature it is a time of sowing, of scattering abroad."           - Edwin Way Teale (1899-1980)

Ask A Question

"Ask a question and you're a fool for three minutes; do not ask a question and you're a fool for the rest of your life."            - Chinese Proverb

Time

"Don't say you don't have enough time. You have exactly the same number of hours per day that were given to Helen Keller, Pasteur, Michelangelo, Mother Teresa, Leonardo da Vinci, Thomas Jefferson, and Albert Einstein."            -- H. Jackson Brown, Jr.

Change

"Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine."           -Bumper Sticker

Wisdom

"A short saying oft contains much wisdom."           - Sophocles

Doing Something Oneself

Never send a monster to do the work of an evil scientist.

Mice
Two mice were being chased across a field by a wolf. They ducked into a small space between a couple of rocks and found themselves in a large cave.

As their eyes got used to the dim light one of them looked up at the high ceiling and saw that it was covered with bats. He tuged on his companion's shoulder and said, "Look! Angels."

Waiting

"There is something wrong when you wait in line thirty minutes to get a hamburger that was cooked for ninety seconds an hour ago."         - Lewis Grizzard

Did You Know?
The life span of a taste bud is ten days.

A starfish doesn't have a brain.

Apples, not caffeine, are more efficient at waking you up in the morning.

A group of twelve or more cows is called a flink

Alligators cannot move backwards

Flamingos can only eat with their heads upside down

Texas horned toads can shoot blood out of the corners or their eyes

A gold fish's memory span is three seconds

The common garden worm has five pairs of hearts

400 quarter-pounders can be made out of one cow

Small cockroaches are more likely to die on their backs than large cockroaches

Their are only two types of pig: American and European

Cows have four stomachs

A Dog's mucus membrane is the size of fifty postage stamps

A full-moon is nine times brighter than a half-moon

Emus can't walk backwards

Cats have over 100 vocal sounds, dogs only have 10

Most hamsters blink one eye at a time

It takes seven years for a lobster to grow 1 pound

Nutmeg is extremely poisonous if injected intravenously.

Brachiosaurus had a heart the size of a pickup truck

The world sheep population is approx. 1,202,920,000

The world cattle population is approx. 1,294,604,000

The world goat population is approx. 94,266,000

The world pig population is approx. 857,099,000

The world camel population is 19,627,000

The longest recorded lifespan of a camel was 35 years, 5 months

The longest recorded lifespan of a slug was 1 year, 6 months.

The number one most popular cat name is kitty

The number one most popular dog name is Brandy

The average housefly lives for one month

To keep cool, Ostriches urinate on their legs; it then evaporates like sweat

The perfect pickle should have 7 warts per square inch

Penguins can jump 6 feet.

Houseflies hum in the middle octave key of F

The average acre of corn contains 7.2 million kernels

Cows poop 16 times per day.

Cows produce around 65 pounds of manure per day

A group of goats is called a trip

A group of hares is called a Husk

A group of finches is called a Charm

Hamsters do not blink

Cats have five pads on their front feet, four on their back feet.

A duck's quack has no echo.

Lemons have more sugar than oranges.

A dog's average body temperature is 101 degrees Fahrenheit.

The eyes of some birds weigh more than their brains

Alaska was bought from Russia for about two cents an acre.

A duck has three eyelids.

70% of dust of house dust is dead skin cells.

The only animal with four knees is the elephant.

Australia is the only continent without an active volcano.

A rat can go longer without water than a camel.

A chicken is the only animal that is eaten before it is born and after it is dead.

Every single hamster in the U.S. today comes from a single litter captured in Syria in 1930.

A pig always sleeps on its right side.

Penguins can jump as high as 6 feet in the air.

When opossums are hanging upside-down, they are not playing. It is from shear terror.

The male gypsy moth can 'smell' the virgin female gypsy moth from 1.8 miles away.

The average garden variety caterpillar has 248 muscles in its head.

Certain frogs can be frozen solid then thawed, and continue living.

Bingo is the name of the dog on the Cracker Jack box

All porcupines float in water.

An animal epidemic is called an epizootic.

Murphy's Oil Soap is the chemical most commonly used to clean elephants.

The underside of a horse's hoof is called a frog. The frog peels off several times a year with new growth.

It is possible to lead a cow upstairs but not downstairs.

Starfish have eight eyes--one at the end of each leg.

Polar bears are left-handed.

The only bird that can fly backwards is the Hummingbird.

Ostriches stick their heads in the sand to look for water.

Bats always turn left when they exit a cave.

An eagle can kill a young deer and fly away with it.

In the Caribbean there are oysters that can climb trees.

Emus and kangaroos cannot walk backwards, and are on the Australian coat of arms for forward thinking.

The only insect that can turn it's head is a praying mantis.

Baby robins eat 14 feet of earthworms per day.

St. Bernard dogs do not carry kegs of brandy, and never have.

In his book 'The Insects', naturalist Url N. Lanham reports that the aphid reproductive cycle is so rapid that the females are born pregnant.

The oldest known goldfish lived to 41 years of age. Its name was Fred.

You can tell a turtle's gender by the noise it makes. Males grunt, females hiss.

Camel's milk does not curdle.

Cat's urine glows under a black light

The starfish is the only animal that can turn it's stomach inside out.

The elephant is the only mammal that is unable to jump.

Only continent without reptiles or snakes is Antarctica.

It was discovered on a space mission that a frog can throw up. The frog throws up it's
stomach first, so the stomach is dangling out of it's mouth. Then the frog uses its forearms to dig out all of the stomach's contents and then swallows the stomach back down again.

A group of geese on the ground is a gaggle, a group of geese in the air is a skein.

A group of unicorns is called a blessing.

A group of kangaroos is called a mob.

A group of whales is called a pod.

A group of ravens is called a murder.

A group of officers is called a mess.

A group of larks is called an exaltation.

A group of owls is called a parliament.

A group of frogs is called an army.

Armadillos have four babies at a time and they are always all the same sex.

Armadillos are the only animal besides humans that can get leprosy.

Armadillos can be housebroken.

Dolphins sleep with one eye open.

Studies show that if a cat falls off the seventh floor of a building it has about thirty percent less
chance of surviving than a cat that falls off the twentieth floor. It supposedly takes about eight floors for the cat to realize what is occurring, relax and correct itself.

Even if you cut off a cockroach's head, it can live for several weeks.

Mosquitoes have teeth.

The penguin is the only bird that can swim but not fly.

Slugs have 4 noses.

Research indicates that mosquitoes are attracted to people who have recently eaten bananas.

Some ribbon worms will eat themselves if they can't find any food.

Owls are the only birds that can see the color blue.

Honeybees have hair on their eyes.

The muzzle of a lion is like a fingerprint - no two lions have the same pattern of whiskers.

A jellyfish is 95% water.

Horses and rabbits cannot vomit.

A donkey will sink in quicksand but a mule won't.

Smartest dogs: (in order) 1) border collie 2) poodle 3) golden retriever.

Dumbest dog: Afghan

Ben and Jerry's send the waste from making ice cream to local pig farmers to use as feed. Pigs love the stuff, except for one flavor: Mint Oreo.

Mount Whitney, the highest mountain in the continental United States, and Zabriskie Point (in Death Valley) , the lowest point in the United States, are less than eighty miles apart.

The state of Florida is bigger than England.

Mexico's east coast is sinking into the sea at the rate of one to two inches per year.

'Three dog night' (attributed to Australian Aborigines) came about because on especially cold nights. These nomadic people needed three dogs (dingoes, actually) to keep from freezing.

The shape of plant collenchyma cells and the shape of the bubbles in beer foam are the same - they are orthotetrachidecahedrons.

You're more likely to get stung by a bee on a windy day that in any other weather.

In 1975, for the first time ever, a horse gave birth to a zebra.

A bass caught on a spinner bait and released will not hit another spinner bait until approx. 10 days later.

Elephant trunks can hold four gallons of water.

In Vermont, the ratio of cows to people is 10:1

In 1992 five cows were killed in drive by shootings in Clay County, Missouri.

In a test performed by Canadian scientists, using various different styles of music, it was determined that chickens lay the most eggs when pop music was played.

Raindrops aren't actually tear-drop shaped. They are rounded at the top and flat on the bottom.

Any free-moving liquid in outer space will form itself into a sphere, because of it's surface tension.

Toronto, Ontario was home to the biggest swimming pool in the world in 1925. It held 2000 swimmers, and was 300 ft x 75 ft. It is still in operation today.

Bacteria increase from 1 to one billion in a petrie dish in 24 hours.

Camel milk is the only milk that doesn't curdle when boiled.

The national anthem of Greece has 158 verses. No one in Greece has memorized all 158 verses.

The north pole moves as fast as 5 Km / hour

Problem Solving

"Never let a problem to be solved become more important than a person to be loved."
- Barbara Johnson

Procrastination

"Procrastination is like a credit card: it's a lot of fun until you get the bill."
- Christopher Parker

Procrastination is opportunity's assassin. - Victor Kiam

Deadlines

I love deadlines. I like the whooshing sound they make as they fly by.
- Douglas Noel Adams, 1952 - 2001

Open Mind

I try to keep an open mind, but not so open that my brains fall out.
- Judge Harry Stone, Night Court

Spending Time

"Most lives are spent putting on and taking off masks."
- Gore Vidal

The Future

"The future is here, it's just not evenly distributed yet."        - William Gibson

We are all interested in the future, since that is where we shall spend the rest of our lives.

Humour

"A person without a sense of humor is like a wagon without springs-jolted by
every pebble in the road."              - Henry Ward Beecher

A Lie

A lie can run round the world before the truth gets its boots on.   -- Terry Pratchett

Choices

It is difficult sometimes to determine what should be chosen at what cost and what should be endured in return for what gain.  -- Aristotle 384-322

Fear

"You can discover what your enemy fears most by observing the means he uses to frighten you."  - Eric Hoffer

Practice and Principle

"When a man says he approves of something in principle, it means he hasn't the slightest intention of carrying it out in practice."        - Otto von Bismarck, 1815 - 1898

The Pope and Three Fishermen
On a tour of Florida, the Pope took a couple of days off his itinerary to visit the coastline on an impromptu sightseeing trip. His 4X4 Pope mobile was driving along the beautiful shoreline in an area where Canadian tourists typically inhabit when there was an enormous commotion heard just off the headland.

He drove closer to see what it was. Upon approaching the scene, he saw a man in the water wearing a Montreal Canadians hockey jersey, struggling frantically to free himself from the jaws of a 25-foot shark. At that moment, a speedboat containing three men wearing Toronto Maple Leafs jerseys, roared into view from around the point.

Immediately, one of the men took aim and fired a harpoon into the shark's ribs, immobilizing it instantly. The other two reached out and pulled the Montreal fan from the water and then, using long clubs, beat the shark to death.

They then bundled the bleeding, semi-conscious man into the boat along with the dead shark and then prepared for a hasty retreat when they heard frantic shouting from the shore.

It was the Pope summoning them to the beach. After they reached shore, the Pope praised them for the rescue and said, "I give you my blessing for your brave actions. I had heard that there was bitter hatred in your country between the fans of the Leafs and the Canadians, but now I have seen with my own eyes this is not true. I can see that your society is a truly enlightened example of true harmony and companionship could serve as a model on which other countries, like this one, could follow". He blessed them all and drove off in a cloud of dust.

As he departed, the harpooner asked the others, "Who was that?" "That," one answered, "was his Holiness the Pope. He is in direct contact with God and has access to all of God's wisdom".

"Well," the harpooner replied, "he doesn't know a thing about shark fishing. Is the bait holding up okay, or do we need to get another one?"

Polar Bear
A polar bear walked into a bar and said to the bartender: "I'll have a gin
...............................................................
...............................................................
...............................................................
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.............................................. and tonic."

The bartender asks: "What's with the big pause?

The bear responded: I don't know ... I've always had them.

WATER vs COCA COLA (I'm not sure how much of this is true, but I would hazard a guess most of it is)

WATER
75% of Americans are chronically dehydrated. (Likely applies to half world population.)
In 37% of Americans, the thirst mechanism is so weak that it is often mistaken for hunger.

Even MILD dehydration will slow down one's metabolism as much as 3%.

One glass of water will shut down midnight hunger pangs for almost 100% of the dieters studied in a Universtiy of Washington study.

Lack of water is the #1 trigger of daytime fatigue.

Preliminary research indicates that 8-10 glasses of water a day could significantly ease back and joint pain for up to 80% of sufferers.

A mere 2% drop in body water can trigger fuzzy short-term memory, trouble with basic math, and difficulty focusing on the computer screen or a printed page.

Drinking 5 glasses of water daily decreases the risk of colon cancer by 45%, plus it can slash the risk of breast cancer by 79%, and one is 50% less likely to develop bladder cancer.

Are you drinking the amount of water you should every day?

COKE
In many states (in the USA) the highway patrol carries two gallons of Coke in the trunk to remove blood from the highway after a car accident.

You can put a T-bone steak in a bowl of coke and it will be gone in two days.

To clean a toilet: Pour a can of Coca-Cola into the toilet bowl and let the "real thing" sit for one hour, then flush clean. The citric acid in Coke removes stains from vitreous China.
To remove rust spots from chrome car bumpers: Rub the bumper with a rumpled-up piece of aluminum foil dipped in Coca-Cola.

To clean corrosion from car battery terminals: Pour a can of Coca-Cola over the terminals to bubble away the corrosion.

To loosen a rusted bolt: Apply a cloth soaked in Coca-Cola to the rusted bolt for several minutes.
To remove grease from clothes: Empty a can of coke into a load of greasy clothes, add detergent, and run through a regular cycle. The Coca-Cola will help loosen grease stains.

It will also clean road haze from your windshield. (This I have used successfully.)

For Your Information, the active ingredient in Coke is phosphoric acid. Its pH is 2.8. It will dissolve a nail in about 4 days. Phosphoric acid also leaches calcium from bones and is a major contributor to the rising increase in osteoporosis.

To carry Coca-Cola syrup (the concentrate) the commercial truck must use the Hazardous material place cards reserved for highly corrosive materials.

The distributors of coke have been using it to clean the engines of their trucks for about 20 years!

(Try the above if you don't believe it)

Now the question is, would you like a glass of water or coke?

Road To Success

"The road to success is dotted with many tempting parking places."      -- Anon.

Weather

"Don't knock the weather; nine-tenths of the people couldn't start a conversation if it didn't change once in a while."
- Kin (Frank McKinney) Hubbard, 1868 - 1930

A Lawyer

A man walked into a lawyer's office and inquired about the lawyer's rates.

"$50.00 for three questions", replied the lawyer.

"Isn't that awfully steep?" asked the man.

"Yes," the lawyer replied, "and what was your third question?"

THE IRISH WAR ON IRAQ
Saddam Hussein was sitting in his office wondering whom to invade next when his telephone rang.

"Hallo, Mr. Hussein," a heavily accented voice said.

"This is Paddy down at the Harp Pub in County Sligo, Ireland. I am ringing to inform you that we are officially
declaring war on you!"

"Well, Paddy," Saddam replied, "This is indeed important news! How big is your army?"

"Right now," said Paddy, after a moment's calculation, "there is myself, my cousin Sean, my next door neighbor
Seamus, and the entire dart team from the pub. That makes eight!"

Saddam paused. "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have one million men in my army waiting to move on my
command."

"Begorra!", said Paddy. "I'll have to ring you back!"

Sure enough, the next day, Paddy called again. "Mr. Hussein, the war is still on! We have managed to
acquire some infantry equipment!"

"And what equipment would that be, Paddy?" Saddam asked.

"Well, we have two combines, a bulldozer, and Murphy's farm tractor."

Saddam sighed. "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 16,000 tanks and 14,000 armored personnel carriers.
Also, I've increased my army to 1-1/2 million since we last spoke."

"Saints preserve us!" said Paddy. "I'll have to get back to you."

Sure enough, Paddy rang again the next day. "Mr. Hussein, the war is still on! We have managed
to get ourselves airborne! We've modified Harrigan's ultra-light with a couple of shotguns in the cockpit,
and four boys from the Shamrock Pub have joined us as well!"

Saddam was silent for a minute and then cleared his throat. "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 10,000 bombers and 20,000 fighter planes. My military complex is surrounded by laser-guided, surface-to-air missile sites. And since we last spoke, I've increased my army to TWO MILLION!"

"That's serious!", said Paddy, "I'll have to ring you back."

Sure enough, Paddy called again the next day. "Top o' the mornin', Mr. Hussein! I am sorry
to tell you that we have had to call off the war."

"I'm sorry to hear that," said Saddam. "Why the sudden change of heart?"

"Well," said Paddy, "we've all had a long chat over a bunch of pints, and decided there's no way
we can feed two million prisoners."

Theology 101
When you are in your casket, and friends, family and are mourning over you, what would you like to hear them say?
Three clerics were asked what words they would choose:

Protestant Minister: "I would like to hear them say that I was a wonderful husband, a fine spiritual leader, and a great family man."

Catholic Priest: "I would like to hear them say that I was an excellent teacher and a servant of God who made a huge difference in peoples' lives."

Rabbi: "I would like to hear them say, 'Look, he's moving.'

We Made It!!!!!!
According to today's regulators and bureaucrats, those of us who were kids in the 40's, 50's, 60's or 70's, probably shouldn't have survived.

Our baby cribs were covered with bright colored lead-based paint. We had no childproof lids on medicine bottles, doors, or cabinets, and when we rode our bikes, we had no helmets. (Not to mention the risks we took hitchhiking).

As kids we would be carted around in cars with no seat belts or air bags and riding in the back of a truck on a warm day was always a special treat.

We would spend hours building our go-carts out of scraps and then rode down the hill, only to find out we forgot the brakes.

We would leave home in the morning and play all day, as long as we were back when the streetlights came on and no one was able to reach us because cell phones hadn't been invented.

We fell out of trees, got cut and broke bones and teeth, and there were no law suits from these accidents. They were accidents. No one was to blame, but us... Remember accidents?

We had fights and punched each other and got black and blue and learned to get over it.

We drank water from the garden hose and not from a bottle. We ate cakes, bread and butter, and drank sugar cordial but we were hardly ever overweight... because we were always outside playing. And although we shared one soft drink with four friends, from one bottle, no one actually died.

We did not have Playstations, Nintendo 64, X-Boxes, video games at all, 99 channels on cable, video tape movies, surround sound, personal cell phones, personal computers, Internet chat rooms ... we had friends. We went outside and found them. We rode bikes, roller skated, or walked to their homes and stood in front and yelled for them to come out to play, or knocked on the door, rang the bell or just walked in to visit them. Imagine such a thing. Without asking a parent! By ourselves! Out there in the cold cruel world! How did we do it?

We made up games with sticks and tennis balls and ate worms and although we were told it would happen, we did not put out very many eyes, nor did the worms live inside us forever.

Tests were not adjusted for any reason. Some students weren't as smart as others so they failed a grade and were held back to repeat it. And the next time they usually passed.

Our actions were our own. Consequences were expected and there was no one to hide behind. The idea of a parent bailing us out if we broke a law was unheard of. They actually sided with the law.

And despite ... or, perhaps, because of all this... this generation has produced some of the most outstanding risk-takers, problem solvers, innovators and inventors, ever. The past 50 years has seen an explosion of advancement and new ideas. Why? Because we were given freedom and responsibility: the chance to succeed and to fail. And we learned how to make the most of what we were given.

If you were one of us, congratulations! If you weren't, too bad!

A Letter To My Pets:

Dear Dogs and Cats:

When I say to move, it means go some place else, not switch positions with each other so there are still two of you in
the way.

The dishes with the paw print are yours and contain your food. The other dishes are mine and contain my food. Please note, placing a paw print in the middle of my plate and food does not stake a claim for it becoming your food and dish, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing in the slightest.

The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack. Beating me to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn't help, because I fall faster than you can run.

I cannot buy anything bigger than a king size bed. I am very sorry about this. Do not think I will continue to sleep on
the couch to ensure your comfort. Look at videos of dogs and cats sleeping, they can actually curl up in a ball. It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other stretched out to the fullest extent possible I also know that sticking tails straight out and having tongues hanging out the other end to maximize space used is nothing but sarcasm.
My compact discs are not miniature Frisbees.

For the last time, stop worrying. There is not a secret exit from the bathroom. If by some miracle I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not necessary to claw, whine, meow, try to turn the knob, or get your paw under the edge and try to pull the door open. I must exit through the same door I entered. In addition, I have been using bathrooms for years, canine or feline attendance is not mandatory.

The proper order is kiss me first, then go smell the other dog's or cat's behind. I cannot stress this enough. It
would be such a simple change for you.

To pacify you I have posted the following message on our front door...

Rules for Non-Pet Owners Who Visit and Like to Complain About Our Pets:
1. They live here. You don't.
2. If you don't want their hair on your clothes, stay off the furniture.
3. I like my pet a lot better than I like most people.
4. To you, it's an animal. To me, he/she is an adopted son/daughter who is short, hairy, walks on all fours and
doesn't speak clearly.

Dogs and cats are better than kids. They eat less, don't ask for money, are easier to train, usually come when called,
never drive your car, don't hang out with drug-using friends, don't smoke or drink, don't worry about buying the latest fashions, don't wear your clothes, don't need a gazillion dollars for college, and if they get pregnant, you can sell the results.

A Woman and a Fork

There was a young woman who had been diagnosed with a terminal illness and had been given three months to live. So as she was getting her things "in order," she contacted her pastor and had him come to her house to discuss certain aspects of her final wishes.

She told him which songs she wanted sung at the service, what scriptures she would like read, and what outfit she wanted to be buried in.

Everything was in order and the pastor was preparing to leave when the young woman suddenly remembered something very important to her.

"There's one more thing," she said excitedly.

"What's that?" came the pastor's reply.

"This is very important," the young woman continued. "I want to be buried with a fork in my right hand."

The pastor stood looking at the young woman, not knowing quite what to say. "That surprise! s you, doesn't it?" the young woman asked. "Well, to be honest, I'm puzzled by the request," said the pastor.

The young woman explained. "Mygrandmother once told me this story, and from there on out, I have always done so. I have also, always tried to pass along its message to those I love and those who are in need of encouragement.

In all my years of attending church socials and potluck dinners, I always remember that when the dishes of the main course were being cleared, someone would inevitably lean over and say, 'Keep your fork.'

It was my favorite part because I knew that something better was coming...like velvety chocolate cake or deep-dish apple pie. Something wonderful, and with substance!"

So, I just want people to see me there in that casket with a fork in my hand and I want them to wonder 'What's with the fork?' Then I want you to tell them: 'Keep your fork the best is yet to come.'"

The pastor's eyes welled up with tears of joy as he hugged the young woman good-bye. He knew this would be one of the last times he would see her before her death. But he also knew that the young woman had a better grasp of heaven than he did. She had a better grasp of what heaven would be like than many people twice her age, with twice as much experience and knowledge. She KNEW that something better was coming.

At the funeral people were walking by the young woman's casket and they saw the pretty dress she was wearing and the fork placed in her right hand. Over and over, the pastor heard the question "What's with the fork?" And over and over he smiled.

During his message, the pastor told the peopleof the conversation he had with the young woman shortly before she died. He also told them about the fork and about what it symbolized to her.

The pastor told the people how he could not stop thinking about the fork and told them that they probably would not be able to stop thinking about it either.

He was right. So the next time you reach down for your fork, let it remind you ever so gently, that thebest is yet to come.

Friends are a very rare jewel, indeed. They make yousmile and encourage you to succeed. They lend an ear, they share a word of praise, and they always want to open their hearts to us. Show your friends how much you care.

Remember to always be there for them, even when you need them more. For you never know when it may be their time to "Keep your fork."

Cherish the time you have, and the memoriesyou share. Being friends with someone is not an opportunity but a sweet responsibility.

Tell this to everyone you consider a FRIEND even if it means telling it back to the person who sent it to you.

And keep your fork.